I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
