hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize