I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
