My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
