Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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