I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
why is half of my head shaved?
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