Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize