I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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