if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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