you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize