I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this is an emotional support booty call
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
