Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
