Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
