I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize