Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
