Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
