i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
