Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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