It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
