god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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