There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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