my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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