My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
