I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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