he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
