yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
