every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
