I cannot find my penis.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
