The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
