Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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