Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
