went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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