Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
