my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
