If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
