one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
