I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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