the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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