I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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