the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize