Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
