dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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