If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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