it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
