I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize