This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize