Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
