there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
