you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
