You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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