Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
