dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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