maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize