If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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