U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
