When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
