That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize