frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
