I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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