I need help removing her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
