Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize