my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
