Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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