I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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