I think my fart just growled at me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
