I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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